life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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