i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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