HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
