It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
