Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
