There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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