I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
