but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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