Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
