I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
