This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize