I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
