he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize