I wanna passion pit in your ass
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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