Who wears a wallet chain?!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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