Pants 0. Shit 1.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
