why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
