Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
