just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
