i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
