I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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