drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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