he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
