Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
