Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i think my cat just said my name.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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