I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
