so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize