I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize