I faked an abortion last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize