Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
