I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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