What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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