Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
