saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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