he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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