i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
