You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
