She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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