nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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