Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
