how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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