Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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