arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
