It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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