If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
