You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
