Your face is a jimmy john
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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