Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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