I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize