Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
