My nipple is on Facebook.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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