I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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