what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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