Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
