I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize