my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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